KC sio supu

Bibi ya wenyewe is a no go zone!!

This post is just a light hearted post about my risky run-in with an older lady.

This particular situation happened when I was in first year- first year week two to be precise. So I was fresh into campus, finally out of my parents’ house- albeit for a few months at a time- and the freedom had got to my head. I obviously wasn’t a stranger to liquor, but now I could drink without worrying about curfew and acting sober around my parents. At this point in time I didn’t have friends in school that I could go out to piga sherehe with. But I had a friend who was studying in town- my high school deskmate to be precise. So this guy called me and asked if I was free to go outside because we never had the opportunity kupiga bash together previously.

So this particular Saturday I went to Nakuru town at around midday then I went to his hostel room. Buana majamaa walikuwa wameshona squad ya 7-10 men deep in there. It smelled like testosterone in that room walai. So we were chilling until like 8 and then we went to eat aka kuweka foundation, pre-game kidogo, alafu we begin proper sherehe in a club whose name I can’t recall for the life of me. Ata club is a stretch, ilikuwa local imeng’ara. So tukaweka foundation ya fries (madness ik), then we did some za, alafu tukatafuta liquor. Pre game kiasi then we got to the club as 3 niggas- me, my friend and his friend.

When we got to the local, tukaambiwa tutafute miaka 23 na bouncer. Bro, saa hiyo we are 18 years old tunashangaa tunatafuta miaka zingine 5 wapi. Anyway, we had to pay like 200 to get in because the bash can’t stop at this point. So we buy a mzinga and then we started drinking tu polite. The music was loud as hell, and the place was full of wababas and girls my age. Sasa we were just relaxing but the alcohol was getting to me. The lower the drink ilishuka kwa chupa, the more my dutch courage rose. And then my friend gave me a cigarette, zilipanda hadi kwa stratosphere bro. Airport Authority ingekuwa na radar closeby they would have clocked an unidentified aircraft that was me.

As my I got more tipsy I got the courage to talk to this one older woman who was seated alone. Brown, short, looked 30 but was 50 and just chilled out with her mzinga ya Smirnoff and a few beers. I walk up to her, ask her name, telling her she doesn’t look a day over 25- running through the motions. Sasa the DJ decided to play dancehall. Hapo sasa alikuwa amecheza through pass. Personally I’m a big big dancehall/riddim fan. Ongeza liquor kwa mix and I’m the most outgoing person you’ll see. I will most definitely act a fool.

So I asked her to dance and then akaniambia “Vijana wa siku hizi mmeharibika!” while laughing. Like anakaa like she wants to but something’s holding her back. Si mnanipata? God’s timing is great, lakini ya shetani ni maridadiiiii!!!! As she’s kekekeing and laughing with me I feel this massive hand grip my shoulder. This hand was so big it literally covered my shoulder. Wah wah wah! Zilishuka with immediate effect. Let me tell you Maina, middle aged man strength is not a joke. This guy spun all 52kgs of me to look at him with one hand. He was a fat guy and was taller than me. If he wanted to, he could have slapped me into next week. And the thing is, I couldn’t run away because it was late and I didn’t know Nakuru that well at that point(still don’t tbh).

“Unataka nini na bibi yangu!?” was the first thing this man said. Nikajua tu I was cooked. Turns out this guy was a cop- double cooked!! This man was like, “Leo utalala ndani wewe!” Heh! Ushai sweat haga?? I was so scared ata I couldn’t talk. So this man’s wife anaanza kunitetea saying I’m drunk and it looks like he’s just getting more annoyed. And I get him honestly. How are you defending another man this hard? My friend and his friend see the commotion and come over to see what’s going on. Nakuambia walinitetea mpaka the guy akaniachilia. Bana tulilamba this guy for like 10 minutes. Needless to say, we left immediately after that. It’s easy to laugh about it now, but the terror I felt in that moment was something else.

So gents, my lesson to you as you interact with these older women is that you should ensure you’re not risking your lives because I’m sure if this man had his gun on him I’d have connected successfully to sayuni Wi-Fi that night. Until next time!